Oh how annoyed I get with people when they say “Oh I know it has been awhile since I posted…”

But here I am saying I know it’s been awhile since I have given an update. In fact I think it has been close to a month or more since I have written anything.

I can see in my notes where I usually create these posts that a few times I have started to write but never followed through.

But here we are and I don’t even really know if this one will get finished. Hmmm, maybe I will post it either way.

When I don’t post consistently I feel like there is too much to catch up on and then why even post at all.

Clearly that is something I need to work through, so here we are. I can’t give you a recap of the past month because a lot has happened.

I had a big breakthrough around the fact that I am in the middle of an identity shift and I can’t keep living with my current identity. It literally feels like I am being forced to change or die. I know that sounds super dramatic but that is how I feel. And honestly, if I think about it, everything started to reveal itself after I got baptized and not in an easy way. In a taking blow after blow after blow kind of way.

I honestly feel pretty defeated.

If you follow me on any other platform you’re probably thinking what? I don’t notice that. Or you do notice and I am being delusional. I know I share pretty openly in my broadcast channel Prep Diaries but for the most part I try not to trauma dump with my content. Not that I am putting on an act, but I think it is important to understand that people running businesses, especially online, still have to show up even when life is happening. I mean, wouldn’t it be weird to tell someone not to go to work because they don’t feel good mentally.

And before I go down that entire rabbit hole, because no I don’t just mean take a mental health day, yes that is important, but what I discovered this week is something I know I have been afraid to admit…

I am burnt the f*** out!

Yep, I finally admitted it to myself.

This is not the type of burnout that can be fixed with a good night of sleep, a weekend away, or a self care massage or pedicure. This is a deep, I have been hustling through freaking chaos for three years or more kind of burnout.

And let me say very clearly, this isn’t me saying my entire life sucks and it’s been awful. It hasn’t. There is good with the bad, and I think years of pushing through has finally caught up to me.

I know I have been ignoring signs of burnout thinking I can just work through this. Once XYZ happens then I can rest, then I can do this. But my body is screaming enough is enough.

Honestly, this past month has brought a lot of clarity, and awareness is the catalyst to all change. So while the clarity has felt really annoying, I know from here I can shift. I also know this isn’t something that will be fixed overnight. It will probably take months if not years to fully come out of because it’s been years of this compounding over time.

It will require putting myself first 100% of the time. Setting strong boundaries and, to be honest, probably letting people down. But if I don’t take care of myself, what good will I be to anyone else? I also can’t just stop. I am a mom, a wife, a business owner. Life doesn’t just stop because I am burnt out. Which means I have to take action and take control of my days again. Boundaries are what I need.

Specific work hours, putting the phone down, resting even as uncomfortable as it is, slowing down, not rushing. All of it has to change and I know it won’t change overnight but one step at a time it will.

Here is the thing, I love my work. I love creating content. I love coaching people. I also love building and everything that comes with prep. I don’t think I have to give up everything I love in order to heal from this burnout and I won’t. It will just look different.

A few things I have already done to help. We decided to push out my first competition to August, which will let me keep cruising where we are without putting more immediate stress on my body. I am setting business hours and taking time off daily, along with at least one day a week completely off. I am going to force myself to rest and relax and also find things that bring me joy outside of responsibilities.

It will be a journey that I hope to take you on, but I am not promising weekly updates or anything because I don’t need more pressure. If anything, I need to release the pressure and that is exactly what I will do.

So no, I won’t disappear, and many people following me on social probably won’t even notice a shift. But I will be making all of my decisions from a place of: is this going to help me get out of burnout or create more?

Until next time….

Ashley xoxo

Well, it’s been a bit since I have written an update. I usually hate when people announce that they are taking a break or when they come back, but it feels kind of necessary. IDK, probably more for myself than you.

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write. I just don’t know what to say. A LOT has happened since the day of my baptism, and every time I sit down to write I think, “Oh, just wait till you get through this, and then you can write a perspective from the other side.”

Let’s just say I am still waiting.

The weekend after I was baptized I headed to the early morning church service, and one of the women who works at the church came over and asked how I was doing after being baptized, because sometimes the enemy tries to attack us after we declare our commitment to the world.

All I could really do was laugh, because I knew this was already happening.

My baptism day was simply amazing. I am so grateful I chose Easter to do it. The service was incredible and then we got to spend the rest of the day with family. There were a lot of wounds that were healed on that day, and while I can’t go into full details since some of them aren’t my story to share, it was a life shifting day.

The very next day, BAM, the enemy tries to attack. Or, looking back now, maybe God was trying to protect my family from making a mistake we would regret in the future. Either way, the information we received that Monday was NOT what we were expecting or planning on. The past few months have taught me a lot about people in a way I wouldn’t want anyone to have to learn.

January through mid February were REALLY hard emotionally, spiritually, and physically. All I could think that Monday was, I do NOT want to go back there. If this is God’s will it will be his will, but please don’t let me go back to being anxious and depressed like I was at the beginning of the year. I tried SO hard to get out of that.

So I tried to compartmentalize, but it wasn’t working. The emotions have really just been so heavy. I know God has a perfect plan for my family and I don’t understand the detours, but man, it can be exhausting at times. I know I am not supposed to carry it all, but it’s really hard to surrender.

This past week I have been exhausted, my body is puffy, and I have just been second guessing everything while still putting my full trust in God. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but that is exactly what it feels like.

As much as I would love to share every detail of what is going on, it is simply not my story to share. But I can tell you how I am navigating it all.

Plans are changing. Next Sunday I am supposed to go to Vegas for one of my favorite fitness conferences, and I just don’t think it is responsible for me to go. I have been praying for God to show me his will and what I should do, but the more I pray, the more I feel like there is a reason he doesn’t want me to go. I still have my ticket and a room booked, but I need to decide in the next few days in order to get my deposit back.

It’s funny because I am always the one to say take the risk, do the thing, even when it doesn’t make sense. But this time it feels different. It is also really hard for me to keep loops open. I like to make decisions and make plans so my brain can move on and think about something else.

Maybe that is the lesson here, learning to stay regulated while the loops are open. IDK, we will see what transpires this week.

I also had the thought of, why am I even prepping right now? Maybe this is the year I was supposed to take off and just relax. But that doesn’t feel right either. If I am going to take a proper off season from competing, I want to know what I am working towards, and since my feedback was so vague last year I have no idea what I should be focusing on.

Prep is honestly keeping me grounded, so we are going to continue to put one foot in front of the other. This year might not look like I had planned when it comes to competing, but we are for sure going to get the feedback we need to move forward. I freaking love that you literally can’t be an overnight success in this sport. It takes TIME, and it teaches me so much about life.

I have a strong feeling that this week is going to be a life changing week. It might be subtle, but I am ready to have a direction to work towards.

While this update was super vague, there will be more to come soon.

Consistency Will Only Take You So Far

3/29

Refinement season is so interesting.

It feels like 5 steps forwards and 10 steps back.

It feels like OH here comes the shift to be knocked back down on your knees again.

I can’t imagine going through this season without God by my side but man this is uncomfortable. It’s no wonder people don’t like to make changes to their life it can feel exhausting and like nothing is happening.

But really what is the alternative?

I think about this often. What if I wasn’t so driven? What if I just had a “normal” life? By the way what does “normal” mean anyway?

Would I just be content being average? That is what normal feels like to me and that isn’t an insult to anyone else it’s just the way I feel.

Even though refinement feels like the biggest emotional rollercoaster would I actually be ok just coasting in a straight line? I don’t think so I think I would be bored AF.

Maybe the entire point of living isn’t to avoid the rollercoaster but to lean back and enjoy the ride.

It’s like the rush I get doing something new or nerve racking. I used to avoid doing new or uncomfortable things (I hate using the word hard) all of the time BUT now I know the after feeling and the amount of confidence that comes from getting uncomfortable.

I also have realized this week that what got me here won’t get me to where I want to go and while things are shifting I am beyond ready for the full pivot.

And the uncomfortable truth the pivot isn’t something I can force. As much as I want to it is in God’s hands.

We hear all the time consistency is the key to change and I will be super real I say this ALL of the time as well but the kicker, I am literally one of the most consistent people this isn’t coming from an egotistical place this is coming from so many people telling me this.

But the results that many coaches and other experts say I should have by now is just not the case. And I am not just talking about one specific part of my life, it’s literally all areas.

I know God has me in a season of learning patience however that doesn’t mean it’s not frustrating.

I keep trying to come up with some kind of Refinement Challenge to force this shift, but this week I finally realized I can’t force the timeline. It is going to happen when God has it planned to happen.

Anytime I have ever tried to force something it NEVER lasts. Maybe a quick dopamine hit and a little excitement happens at first but the crash is always hard.

I don’t want a crash I want an identity shift. One that feels smooth, peaceful, powerful, and grounded.

But I also don’t think that will come from avoiding the emotions it’s more like leaning into the emotions and enjoying the ride.

As we enter quarter 2 of 2026 my focus is bigger on Refinement.

Getting curious as to what is draining my energy and what isn’t.

How can I do more of what makes me feel good?

How can I check in with myself throughout the day and use my emotions as feedback?

A week or so ago I shared how my phone addiction needed to change. I was avoiding looking at the screen time data for so long, like years. So I turned it back on and was SO embarrassed by what I saw.

So immediately I thought let’s buy the brick and change this but let’s be real that is simply a quick fix. I run my business on my phone. I need to be on my phone. I don’t sit at a desk during my work day I use my phone. And I am super blessed to be able to provide for my family on my phone.

So after a day of trying to restrict my phone use I realized it’s not the screen time that’s the issue because I can have the same screen times on 2 different days but feel completely different on both days.

What’s the difference?

The intention behind what I am using the phone for. One day was WAY too much scrolling and the other day was more productive work.

The goal: have more productive work days and less numbing out from scrolling.

A challenge isn’t going to fix this. It might let me white knuckle my way through quarter 2 to be like oh yes look I decreased my screen time over the last 90 days but what happens after?

It requires an identity shift just like everything else in my life.

And that’s what quarter 2 refinement season will be.

A daily energy check in.

What feels good?

What doesn’t feel good?

How can I do more of what feels good?

How can I set myself up better to not fall into distractions?

And I am not just talking about my phone or screen time, that’s simply the example I am using. This applies to every area of life.

This week refinement season has looked like: letting go of a specific schedule every single day. Not stressing about screen time but focusing on how I feel after I use my phone. Putting on makeup in the morning before I leave the house even if I am only going to the gym. This one for some reason triggers people but it makes me feel good and their trigger is not my problem. Letting my house get a little messy so I can handle other things in my life. Figuring out how to refine my content through better language and lighting.

Refinement isn’t about doing more it’s about figuring out the right things to focus on.

I have done the reps. I am the consistency queen but if I am being honest consistency will only take you so far until you have to actually make changes to the things you are doing.

Consistency got me in the room. But refinement is what keeps me there, on my own terms, in my own time. So this is what Refinement Season actually looks like. Not doing more, not forcing the shift. Just finally being honest about what’s working and brave enough to let go of what isn’t.

It has been a while. Or at least longer than I wanted to go between updates.

This week has been good if I am being honest.

Giving my stress and overwhelm to God has been incredible. Nothing has actually changed behind the scenes. There are still a ton of unknowns. But I feel grounded in Him in a way that I have not experienced before.

So much so that I have made the decision to get baptized on Easter and I have never felt more certain about something in my life.

I have always struggled with questioning my decisions. I can spiral around what I should be doing or what I should not be doing. But the closer I get to God the more I realize that I cannot mess it up. I cannot make the wrong decision.

Can I get distracted by the enemy? Absolutely. But I pray every day that God keeps me focused and continues to reveal the truth to me.

I had no idea these updates would start turning into reflections about my relationship with God. But that is where I am right now and it is honestly what I am walking through in this season.

It is wild to think about where I was in January and how numb I felt. Depression is not something I have ever really experienced before, but that must have been what I was walking through.

There was anxiety too. But honestly I can handle anxiety because at least with anxiety I could feel something. And as someone who was addicted to stimulants, feeling is the ultimate addiction for me. Numbing is not it. I do not really know how else to explain it.

I am addicted to the feelings. To the overwhelm. To the anxiety. It almost does not matter if the feeling is high or low. I just want to feel something.

What has become really clear this week is that this is exactly why my nervous system is so unregulated and why I struggle the way I do.

It is like I am constantly searching for the next dopamine hit of what I can feel next. And that leads directly into my current addiction to my phone. I like to tell myself that I have a healthy relationship with it but if I am being honest, I do not.

One thing that really helped me see this clearly this week was getting restricted from commenting on Facebook. I have no idea why. My guess is that people are tired of me calling out the MLM and supplement industry and I probably got reported enough times.

But honestly, not being able to comment was eye opening. It felt like a lesson God wanted me to see.

If I am being completely honest, this is where I struggle with building a business on social media. I love social media. I love creating content. I love helping other women.

But finding harmony between growing a business, engaging online, and actually living my life gets really foggy sometimes.

Here is why.

I hate when creators say they do not scroll or that they do not spend time on social media. It makes no sense to me. You want me to consume your content but you do not consume anyone else’s content. That is almost always an immediate unfollow for me.

The other issue is I constantly feel like I am behind. Like if I do not keep up all day it will take forever to catch up. A lot of that is ADHD trauma from people in my life not understanding how ADHD works and hearing things like “just do it” from people who have zero idea what it feels like to be stuck in a freeze state. Or how hard it can be to sometimes do even simple tasks.

And once again that circles back to my people pleasing tendencies.

One of the ways I have been able to build a successful business and compete in bodybuilding without medication is by accepting that my brain works differently. That means my systems will look different than other people’s.

And while I have made a lot of progress letting go of other people’s opinions, there is always more work to do.

There are still certain voices in my head that show up.

She is not organized.
She is a hot mess.
She is a disappointment.

Wow. I guess we really went there.

I think I mentioned at the beginning of this series that nervous system regulation is the key.

Even right now I am typing this while watching a show because it almost feels wrong to just sit here and watch something on a Sunday afternoon. If I am not being productive then something must be wrong.

In the past I would use alcohol as a way to disconnect. That is not an option for me anymore.

So this week I am focusing on bringing awareness to all of the unspoken rules I have created for myself around productivity and rest.

Once I can see those rules clearly, I can start breaking them. Because the truth is rules do not keep you safe. They keep you stuck.

Stuck in cycles of frustration.

I do have control over this and I can heal it. I know there will never be some final destination where everything is perfectly healed. But I know it can get better, especially with God by my side.

This process is actually the same one I used when I healed my relationship with food.

Instead of rules, we create boundaries.

One boundary I want to work on this week, while also bringing awareness to the unspoken rules I have created, is putting my phone down more often and being intentional about when I log on to consume content and engage.

The truth is social media is constant. I will never be caught up. So why keep chasing something that I will never actually achieve?

It reminds me a lot of chasing balance.

I believe balance is mediocre and that is not the life I want to live. Harmony is the goal. And sometimes harmony requires seasons of being unbalanced and making sacrifices.

Until next time.

Xoxo
Ashley

Yes, a comment. Which is funny because apparently the content I have been working so hard on for years doesn’t go viral, but a random comment does.

I digress.

The comment currently has almost 10,000 likes. Probably more by the time I post this.

The TikTok asked, “During a very dark period, what was the best thing you did for your mental health?”

My comment was simple.

Stopped telling everyone everything about my life.

Most of the replies agree with me. Some of them do not. One response said that you shouldn’t keep everything to yourself.

And honestly, I agree with that too.

But the biggest lesson I have learned over the past four to five months is that not everyone has your best interest in mind.

Not everyone is truly concerned about you.

Most people are concerned about themselves. About how things look. About how other people perceive their life and the people in it. Most people are only concerned with themselves.

And sometimes people simply cannot accept you or your situation for what it is. Instead they judge, distance themselves, or act like they are better than you.

This has been one of the hardest lessons I have ever learned in my life, and I have learned a lot of lessons in my 40 years.

What is crazy to me is that we are all humans living a human experience. We all make mistakes. We all struggle.

So what exactly are we judging?

Especially when the judgment comes from people who have gone through very similar situations themselves.

It has also been an adjustment to stop sharing everything with everyone.

For most of my life, I believed that sharing was how we connected with one another. Being open and vulnerable felt like the right thing to do.

And I still believe that connection matters.

But I have also learned that vulnerability requires discernment.

When someone lacks self awareness, emotional maturity, or compassion, sharing deeply with them may not be the safest option.

I share a lot of my life on social media, but that does not mean I share all of it. I think that can be hard for people to understand or accept.

Just because you see someone sharing parts of their life online does not mean you actually know what is happening in their life.

And sometimes the people who think they know the most understand the least.

Over the past few months I cannot even tell you how many times I have typed out long text messages only to delete them, put my phone down, and move on with my life.

Not because I do not want connection, but because I have learned that not everyone is the right person to confide in.

If I am being honest, I can handle criticism from people online. That does not bother me much.

But when hurtful words come from someone you thought was in your corner, those words cut deeper.

When you hear the same dismissive or judgmental responses enough times, eventually you realize something.

Maybe this just is not the right person to share this part of your life with.

And that realization can feel like a loss.

Yes, it can be freeing to hold certain things back. To pray instead of vent. To process things with God instead of sharing them with everyone.

But it can also feel like the death of a relationship, or at least the death of what you thought that relationship was.

Because many relationships have conditions.

When you walk through one of the hardest seasons of your life, those conditions become very clear very quickly.

On the flip side, something beautiful has also happened.

People I never expected to support me have supported me.

They listened. They held space. They did not judge.

And I am incredibly grateful for the people in my life who can do that.

I truly do have an amazing tribe of people who show up in that way.

But that does not completely erase the hurt from the people you thought would be there and were not.

So this is the new assignment for me right now.

Accept people and relationships for what they are.

Turn to God first.

Grieve what I thought certain relationships would be and accept what they actually are.

Not with bitterness, just with clarity.

I really want to start writing more on here rather than just randomly or once a week, but my nervous system is not quite there yet.

I also have a hard time picking a topic and sticking to it, and maybe that is the problem. I am putting too many rules around this.

Let’s throw the rules out because I like to say rules keep us stuck, not safe.

Sometimes I have so much to say but cannot get it out of this ADHD brain. My brain moves ten times faster than the rest of me does and that is sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse.

I journal every morning and the other day it was flowing. I took a screenshot of what I wrote and tried to have Chat transcribe it, but neither of us could actually read my handwriting.

So let’s just get into some random thoughts I have had this week.

To be honest, I was not sure if last Sunday’s church service would actually be the shift I needed. Like, would this actually stick this time? But it did.

You know those moments when you think, this is going to change my life and I will always remember it? And then you question if it really is that moment.

Sunday was really it.

Not much has changed in the background of my life. There is still a ton of chaos. But shifting my focus back to God has released so much pressure.

I realized I was back in my people pleasing tendencies. I was listening to everyone else but myself and God. That is why I was so overwhelmed and so burnt out. It felt like I could never make the right decision, and the decisions everyone else wanted me to make were for them, not for me.

That leads me to the next lesson I have learned many times over the past few months, but this time it has finally stuck. Nobody, no matter who they are, needs to know everything about my life. Too many times I share too many details with the wrong people, and it always comes back to bite me.

Now that I am leaning on God and trusting His guidance, I do not need everyone to know what I am going through. I can get human connection in different ways. I am sure this will hurt some people close to me because boundaries are hard, but I am done living in a constant state of people pleasing.

I am centered back to me and following what I know to be true for myself and my family. It is okay if other people do not understand or do not agree.

And lastly, or maybe not lastly, but for today.

Why are we always rushing? Even during the hard times. I am tired of it. If I am really honest, I have been saying that for a long time. It is time to slow down. It is time to stop rushing. But when things feel uncertain, rushing feels like the only way to do anything.

No wonder I am so freaking tired.

And I see this everywhere, not just with myself. People rushing to lose weight quickly, missing the beginning of the journey without even realizing it. I know I almost missed the beginning, and I am glad I slowed down enough to take it in.

I see it with high school too. Take the honors classes. Take the college classes. Rush through four years so you can get into the workforce. To do what? Work the rest of your life? There is so much time to work. Why not enjoy high school while being a teenager?

Those two examples just really hit home for me.

This is not the funnest time of my life, but I know there are parts of this I can enjoy.

Ever since releasing this pressure, I feel lit up about my business again and what is to come. I would rather be tired from doing work I love than scrambling all day trying to fix things I cannot control.

It is a different kind of tired this week, and I am here for it. I do not think this means smooth sailing moving forward, but with this new perspective, it feels easier to navigate.

I also think I am finally ready to start optimizing my schedule a bit more now that I am thinking clearly. I am not rushing into anything. I am just feeling it out.

There is so much to lean into during this season, and that is exactly what I am going to do.

Find the harmony in the day and enjoy the moments. The little ones. The big ones. The in between. The hard moments. The ten minute deep conversations. Maybe even the mental aggression. I do not know.

Be where your feet are and stop trying to fight what you cannot control.

It does not have to be all figured out because honestly, it never will be.