3/19
Well, it’s been a bit since I have written an update. I usually hate when people announce that they are taking a break or when they come back, but it feels kind of necessary. IDK, probably more for myself than you.
It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write. I just don’t know what to say. A LOT has happened since the day of my baptism, and every time I sit down to write I think, “Oh, just wait till you get through this, and then you can write a perspective from the other side.”
Let’s just say I am still waiting.
The weekend after I was baptized I headed to the early morning church service, and one of the women who works at the church came over and asked how I was doing after being baptized, because sometimes the enemy tries to attack us after we declare our commitment to the world.
All I could really do was laugh, because I knew this was already happening.
My baptism day was simply amazing. I am so grateful I chose Easter to do it. The service was incredible and then we got to spend the rest of the day with family. There were a lot of wounds that were healed on that day, and while I can’t go into full details since some of them aren’t my story to share, it was a life shifting day.
The very next day, BAM, the enemy tries to attack. Or, looking back now, maybe God was trying to protect my family from making a mistake we would regret in the future. Either way, the information we received that Monday was NOT what we were expecting or planning on. The past few months have taught me a lot about people in a way I wouldn’t want anyone to have to learn.
January through mid February were REALLY hard emotionally, spiritually, and physically. All I could think that Monday was, I do NOT want to go back there. If this is God’s will it will be his will, but please don’t let me go back to being anxious and depressed like I was at the beginning of the year. I tried SO hard to get out of that.
So I tried to compartmentalize, but it wasn’t working. The emotions have really just been so heavy. I know God has a perfect plan for my family and I don’t understand the detours, but man, it can be exhausting at times. I know I am not supposed to carry it all, but it’s really hard to surrender.
This past week I have been exhausted, my body is puffy, and I have just been second guessing everything while still putting my full trust in God. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but that is exactly what it feels like.
As much as I would love to share every detail of what is going on, it is simply not my story to share. But I can tell you how I am navigating it all.
Plans are changing. Next Sunday I am supposed to go to Vegas for one of my favorite fitness conferences, and I just don’t think it is responsible for me to go. I have been praying for God to show me his will and what I should do, but the more I pray, the more I feel like there is a reason he doesn’t want me to go. I still have my ticket and a room booked, but I need to decide in the next few days in order to get my deposit back.
It’s funny because I am always the one to say take the risk, do the thing, even when it doesn’t make sense. But this time it feels different. It is also really hard for me to keep loops open. I like to make decisions and make plans so my brain can move on and think about something else.
Maybe that is the lesson here, learning to stay regulated while the loops are open. IDK, we will see what transpires this week.
I also had the thought of, why am I even prepping right now? Maybe this is the year I was supposed to take off and just relax. But that doesn’t feel right either. If I am going to take a proper off season from competing, I want to know what I am working towards, and since my feedback was so vague last year I have no idea what I should be focusing on.
Prep is honestly keeping me grounded, so we are going to continue to put one foot in front of the other. This year might not look like I had planned when it comes to competing, but we are for sure going to get the feedback we need to move forward. I freaking love that you literally can’t be an overnight success in this sport. It takes TIME, and it teaches me so much about life.
I have a strong feeling that this week is going to be a life changing week. It might be subtle, but I am ready to have a direction to work towards.
While this update was super vague, there will be more to come soon.